Josh Speer

I haven’t written a thing on here in ages. I got caught up in a fantasy love life. I was hooked from the start and couldn’t do anything with out my love. But with all things good or bad they have to come to an end. I crashed hard too. Life was and is hard to face alone. I made the mistake of caring for her to much and asking for simple things. I lost my best friend and love last week and today would of marked out 9th anniversary. Its hard to face her or even talk to her. Tonight i learned about some stuff i had asked about in the past and never got a real answer. I was shocked at what i heard and realized i really didn’t know who she really was.

Its like this whole time she was lying and i don’t even know if anything was real from the past 2 years. I am unable to move on with her still in my life. its like she left me but still has her claws clinching my heart still. I have never met anyone so emotionless and careless about everything. She was hateful and rude to just about everyone she talked to. All of this and i couldn’t stop wanting her to loving her. It seemed like a simple thing to do is just let her go and do whatever she wanted to do but i care to much for her and people in general. I cant just let someone go. 

Today i did just that i wrote my heart out again in a letter telling her i couldn’t be her friend anymore. I really have never felt like i was. She said she trusted me and so on but i never felt like i was. i never got anything out of her. I was there to help but never was treated as a friend. i was just another stranger in her life. The things i heard tonight really hurt me and got me feeling bad for her but i cant change her past or her present. She needs to help herself before she goes back down this same path.

It is hard to let go for me but i guess this is a better time then none to start letting go. Letting her go is the only way i can stop thinking about her and worrying and just move on with my life. I just cant get threw to her or help her i tried and just couldn’t reach her.

Time will be the only cure for my heartache. I hope to meet her again later in life and hope she has changed in a good way.

-Josh

Question to all and to all an answer I ask for in return. The question is, Can some one really care about another, or are we all out to better ourselves?

Good deeds mask a feeling we all seek, it is to make our selves feel better, or hell just to feel something. I was thinking just today I tried to talk to some one and instead of listening they were talking as well, expressing their own feelings. Sometimes all we seek is a listener and more and more I find there are none left, just people that talk and really only listen to what they are saying. And in the rare occasion they get a response they only hear what they want to. So ultimately they will feel a bit of relief that some one listened. But in all honesty everyone that is on the receiving end is probably only thinking about them selves, for a moment they might be listening but the mind snaps back to priority one yourself.

I like to think of my self as a good listener. And when it comes time to talk im not heard. I have a series of blog’s I flock to once and awhile ill read and most likely comment. But on the other hand when I make a post I rarely get a response, which in return shows me how much people care about returning the favor. Im kind of getting to the point of not caring to listen anymore. I can’t stand to hear about something over and over that can be solved if the person would just listen. Again they care more about themselves and try to make other feel sorry for them.

I love going on and on about something either no one will read or respond to. Friendship is a rare thing these days, you might think you have it but do you really. The world is full of actors and some are just to damn good.

So I will no longer believe the lies that hide the truth.

The bad always overshadows the good…

-Josh

Im switching over from Comcast to DishNetwork and i didnt think i could have a harder switch. Im doing this switch because im ready for an HD package and comcast makes you pay out the ass for their version. I ordered the TurboHD service on Wednesday and ever since ive been playing tag with them trying to confirm i ordered the service and no they cant just send an email, but no i have to talk to them over the phone. for one thing i hate phones the other i hate AT&T ever since they bought cingular but thats a whole other story.

I get crappy reception in my house and i never recieve calls and it sucks so much… well back to my story. i sent a long email to dishnetwork telling them my troubles with their service and i havent recieved any kind of order conformation. Funny thing i get an email that says :

“Thank you for your e-mail.  In order to research your account, we will need more account information.  Please provide us with the phone number listed on your account and your account number so that we may further assist you. For immediate assistance please call our Customer Service Center at 1-800-333-3474 at your convenience.”

So of cousre i hit my self over the head many times trying to get a hold of how stupid these people really are. I went into long detail of my problem telling them i dont have an account and never got any form of conformation except the phone calls that went straight to my voicemail. and even better they just say they are calling to confirm i ordered the service and they dont offer a number to call back at all. the first time i got a number was today in that email.

So i call the place up and its one of those voice automated systems. and it takes forever for it to select what i want and it turns out i end up with the wrong thing and bam im back where i started. even calling them doesnt help. when i asked to be transfered to a different department they said they cant do that. so i asked her to email me the direct number to the support and never recieved that email. its like i have to work super hard for them to take my money and im not sure what to do now. I really want to get HD programing but im not sure how much now.

-Josh

Picture a world where everyone likes something and it would be a shame if just one of these people in the world couldn’t agree with the rest of them… Well right now im that guy. I saw the dark knight and i thought it was packed with a ton of action but that’s all it had. I never thought i could say this being that im a fan of violence and murder to some extent but this movie was just violent with no real change in what everyone else is doing in movies these days. Heath ledger did bring a good performance to this picture but it still wasn’t to different. All movies these days are the same who can we get and what can we blow up. its good to some point but what do you do after that or before that. All movies need A story that will keep us engaged in the movie.

***SPOILERS a.k.a this might save you a few bucks and might give you a good laugh ***

This movie had a story not a bad one but it was full of holes. take the lead girl character (which i don’t happen to remember the name of) she was as awful as Katie Holmes was in the last one. i could care less if she lived or died. (I hoped for the one where she didn’t say anything so i guess that means…) when you make a movie and you plan on doing something to that character you want your audience to feel something for that character. And in this case i dont think anyone cared. the actress was almost just like Katie the look and the annoying traits everyone hated from the first movie she was in. so when it came time for her curtain call i was actually happy with her ending i just wish it could of happened sooner.

The title of this blog is in the dark cause im just not sure why this movie is getting all that good buzz. I know this was heath ledgers last movie but we cant just put a filter over our eyes cause his life didn’t have a happy ending. loving something because you feel sorry for someone else doesn’t make a movie or a situation any better. Again this movie had amazing effects and was a bit to crazy but it just didn’t do anything for me.

one more thought i think its funny this movie was only rated PG-13. Its like they want kids to see this. Teaching kids/people about wrong and right good and evil with so much violence and death just masks the good you try to portray. cause all and all there was more death and destruction then there was good. I know the world is a scary place but this just feeds that fear even more. why not make a change and show some good. but then again no one seems to want to see good news…

Open your eyes and lift the filter off so you can see…

(half the stuff in here i don’t think id ever find my self saying but im changing)

-Josh

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Life, Friends, And XBOX Live -
Serious Post this time around. Questioning answers that plague my mind. Friends. A complex subject in my head. I love some of my friends so much but i feel its one sided. I try to help friends as much as i can. Ill do favors for them lift their spirits when they are down and in return i get knocked down. Ill give an example ill get on Xbox Live to play with friends all the time. I get text messages from one friend all the time telling me to get on and play Fool ! and i jump on no problem but for some reason when i want to play with this person or other friends i get ditched or ignored. Its like i guess this friendship is one sided. When they want to play its ooook but when i want to its out of the question. Im at the point i dont know what to do. I love the feeling i get when im having a blast playing with them but on the other hand when i cant play or when i am bored out of my mind i feel like shit cause i get sad when im getting ignored. I will send a txt or a msg and i will not get a response. but if i recieve one from them ill get back to them right away. This is a Bitch Blog entry. I just want some Love !

Places out of reach…
Sometimes giving up isn’t giving in. Sometimes you just have to give up, to let go…
Letting go is hard for me to do i am addicted to life and everything good in it. wow this sound like im downright suicidal. I would never kill myself from depression or sadness, there is always a way to move on and cope with pain. I have to many ideas to work on to just up and leave this world. who really knows whats out there. (changing this post in a different direction fast, leave now before you regret it.) I often find myself looking towards the sky thinking about this place people call heaven. People need something to look forward to after a life full of drop, dips and sharp curves we need something to believe in that is better then this. I honestly don’t know who really first thought this up. always looking up towards the heavens. there has to be something up there. i believe there is something up there its Space. A vast open place that goes on for who knows how long. If there is a heaven where does it exist ?

I lost a really good friend (at least i thought we were friends) she didn’t die or anything she just gave up on talking or hanging out with me all together. One f the last conversations i had with her was about religion. i asked her one simple question. Who Made god ? or how did god come into being. Her response was oh the age old question. and that was about it. I want to know how so many people can believe in something that there is no history on. what did one day something happened Poof ! Oh My God ! and then he was created and then got busy with his universe erector set building tons of shit we will never see for lifetimes if people even live that long. at this rate im not sure of anything. ok back to the reason why we arent friends, she i guess saw me as a person that doesnt believe in this figure that is worshipped with no questions. its like that wasnt covered in bible study, the teacher said ignore anyone that asks how was this figure you believe in made.

Did a group of guys get together one day and say i have this great idea lets make something and see if it will catch on. lets just say this being came to us and told us it was the thing that started it all there is no proof at all but writing it out will be proof enough.  and then over the years different groups will have different views on it and create their own versions of it and that will be the real way it was told.

I just want some proof. the only way im going to believe is if there is some way to go back in time and see this happen. and i don’t think thats going to happen any time soon. another question that plauges me is if there is a god why would some one that took the time to create something so wonderful and exciting make it so painful at times. is it cause we are evolving and we are causing this pain ourselves ? or is it gos sick joke to get back at people like a kid with a magnifying glass ? you destoroyed my beautiful forest i created so no i will make you all suffer with Cancer ! I just dont see if god loves all why is there such a thing as pain why isnt it all butterflies and rainbows ? Why, is the main question here. WHHHHHY ? This is my rant i choose to write cause it frees my mind of ideas and helps me vent. I read comments and enjoy getting them but keep in mind this is my opinion and you are entitled to your own as well so dont make your self look like you are right and i am wrong, cause then i will just see you as one of these people that cant explain yourself and wont take anything you say seriously. (damn i contradict my self a lot)

Love be free and express your self.
“My Pain, Never to be forgotten.”

-Josh