I haven’t written a thing on here in ages. I got caught up in a fantasy love life. I was hooked from the start and couldn’t do anything with out my love. But with all things good or bad they have to come to an end. I crashed hard too. Life was and is hard to face alone. I made the mistake of caring for her to much and asking for simple things. I lost my best friend and love last week and today would of marked out 9th anniversary. Its hard to face her or even talk to her. Tonight i learned about some stuff i had asked about in the past and never got a real answer. I was shocked at what i heard and realized i really didn’t know who she really was.
Its like this whole time she was lying and i don’t even know if anything was real from the past 2 years. I am unable to move on with her still in my life. its like she left me but still has her claws clinching my heart still. I have never met anyone so emotionless and careless about everything. She was hateful and rude to just about everyone she talked to. All of this and i couldn’t stop wanting her to loving her. It seemed like a simple thing to do is just let her go and do whatever she wanted to do but i care to much for her and people in general. I cant just let someone go.
Today i did just that i wrote my heart out again in a letter telling her i couldn’t be her friend anymore. I really have never felt like i was. She said she trusted me and so on but i never felt like i was. i never got anything out of her. I was there to help but never was treated as a friend. i was just another stranger in her life. The things i heard tonight really hurt me and got me feeling bad for her but i cant change her past or her present. She needs to help herself before she goes back down this same path.
It is hard to let go for me but i guess this is a better time then none to start letting go. Letting her go is the only way i can stop thinking about her and worrying and just move on with my life. I just cant get threw to her or help her i tried and just couldn’t reach her.
Time will be the only cure for my heartache. I hope to meet her again later in life and hope she has changed in a good way.
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To start this thing off right, above this is a video from an awesome band that just released their second cd a week or so ago. Meg and Dia are freaking awesome and this CD is a must have. Their first CD was good but some tracks lacked something, but this new CD every track is special and deserves a listen. Give it a listen and if you like it go to their website, meganddia.com
It’s been a few months with out any blogs from me at all. I bet all of my fans are just devastated. I have been busy with my writing/English class. I’m trying to improve my writing skills and i think i have improved a bit. I have learned a lot over the past few months and im going to use these new found skills to start writing out some ideas finally. I have bits and pieces of stories but i think its time to finish some of them. In the past I’ve said that i would start and finish things but i always found my self putting it off. I’m not afraid to fail in life im just not motivated to try. I’m missing the driving force behind my ideas. I lack the passion for creativity i one had. I’m not sure where this lack of passion came from. The thing i do know is i want it back and im willing to do what ever it takes to get the passion back. I’ll reach back and say what ive already said, “Keep Moving Forward.” Break away from the daily routine of nothing and strive for something better. If i don’t take a chance ill never know if ill be able to do anything.
I have one thing ive been wanting to write about and that thing is problem solving. I had a problem with a friend. Things were done and said and nothing was ever resolved. And now its like nothing ever happened but something did happen. I’m still not sure if there is something there hiding in the shadows waiting for the right time to pownce out and fight another round. I want to know what this person was going to respond with oh so long ago. I guess ill just wait it out and let it go unsolved for the moment. I hate to fight and i hate not having my best friend even more. I felt like we had a nice bond almost like we were really family. OK enough of that for awhile…
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The mix inside is overwhelming. i find my self in tears at moments, just saying what has happened to me today gets me at points. they arent tears of pure sadness they are tears of Anger !
Today i was brought into the main room where everyone works and i was told in front of a group (of who i work with) and told that he had good and bad news. the bad news is we are not doing to well and are loosing money so the first thing they have to do is let someone go and of course they have to do it by seniority and in this case i was the last one hired (2-3yrs ago). so in front of everyone he said i was going to be let go on Dec.15th (which after a few mins changed to the 19th). so not only am i getting let go the fucker had the nerve and disrespect to do it in front of a group and not as a personal one on one kind of thing. I think that is totally wrong and fucked up in so many ways. and to top it off he says the good news is that everyone’s wages are going up cause of the living wage and hint hint one less employee.
Not only am i pissed im angry !
thing is i have to go tomorrow and for the next week or so. and after hearing that i don’t have a job i don’t really feel like going !
Nothing like this has ever happened to me. i usually leave a job and i was at that point of leaving but i still needed some time to find something else. and now im being forced to do so in the worst of times. im at the point where im not sure what to do. all i know is im not going to let this get the best of me.
Im going to try and kick the shit out of this feeling. I know in the back of my head, where it is poorly lit at the moment, that everything will be fine and this is an open door to someting better and a step forward to something new. But i have to get a better light and fight this feeling inside and ill be at the point where i can move on.
To think some one cant remember what happened towards the end of the day but can remember what happened before and after that chunk of time. I guess we choose to remember the times we want to, and tend to forget about the other time spent. Lost in a sea of memories never to be remembered.
Question to all and to all an answer I ask for in return. The question is, Can some one really care about another, or are we all out to better ourselves?
Good deeds mask a feeling we all seek, it is to make our selves feel better, or hell just to feel something. I was thinking just today I tried to talk to some one and instead of listening they were talking as well, expressing their own feelings. Sometimes all we seek is a listener and more and more I find there are none left, just people that talk and really only listen to what they are saying. And in the rare occasion they get a response they only hear what they want to. So ultimately they will feel a bit of relief that some one listened. But in all honesty everyone that is on the receiving end is probably only thinking about them selves, for a moment they might be listening but the mind snaps back to priority one yourself.
I like to think of my self as a good listener. And when it comes time to talk im not heard. I have a series of blog’s I flock to once and awhile ill read and most likely comment. But on the other hand when I make a post I rarely get a response, which in return shows me how much people care about returning the favor. Im kind of getting to the point of not caring to listen anymore. I can’t stand to hear about something over and over that can be solved if the person would just listen. Again they care more about themselves and try to make other feel sorry for them.
I love going on and on about something either no one will read or respond to. Friendship is a rare thing these days, you might think you have it but do you really. The world is full of actors and some are just to damn good.
So I will no longer believe the lies that hide the truth.
Is there a cure for procrastination? I would really love to know. I have said this in the past that I have so many great ideas it hurts. But to get them out is a pain itself. I think to myself what a great idea but then when it comes time to write it out there is something in my head that stops me like writing it out is a waste of time think of how much you could do if you didn’t write this out. Ill admit it I enjoy playing games and for some reason when Microsoft introduced Gamer Points for each game it was like the old arcade thing came back to life. When kids would try and try to beat other people’s scores. It’s like that now with the whole thing Microsoft has set up.
So in my head I think id rather play games then ever get anything done and I want help with that. I know a person’s first thought would be sell it and I just can’t do that i’ve spent too much money and there is some times where I need to unwind and do something different. I need to be better at not playing while still having it here. Self control is the key and for some reason I just don’t possess any at the moment.
Im writing this out cause I do need help with my ideas and if I never get any help ill stay the same way. So here it is my plea for help I need your help out there creative world… I know that if I have a team to help me work with my idea it won’t be for nothing. I have a studio site set up at illuminated-creations.com/jobs and at that site there is a jobs page. If you are interested at all with any of the positions available or think I missed something please email me at jobs@illuminated-creations.com and in the title put what ever you want to apply for.
Life, Friends, And XBOX Live -
Serious Post this time around. Questioning answers that plague my mind. Friends. A complex subject in my head. I love some of my friends so much but i feel its one sided. I try to help friends as much as i can. Ill do favors for them lift their spirits when they are down and in return i get knocked down. Ill give an example ill get on Xbox Live to play with friends all the time. I get text messages from one friend all the time telling me to get on and play Fool ! and i jump on no problem but for some reason when i want to play with this person or other friends i get ditched or ignored. Its like i guess this friendship is one sided. When they want to play its ooook but when i want to its out of the question. Im at the point i dont know what to do. I love the feeling i get when im having a blast playing with them but on the other hand when i cant play or when i am bored out of my mind i feel like shit cause i get sad when im getting ignored. I will send a txt or a msg and i will not get a response. but if i recieve one from them ill get back to them right away. This is a Bitch Blog entry. I just want some Love !
Places out of reach…
Sometimes giving up isn’t giving in. Sometimes you just have to give up, to let go…
Letting go is hard for me to do i am addicted to life and everything good in it. wow this sound like im downright suicidal. I would never kill myself from depression or sadness, there is always a way to move on and cope with pain. I have to many ideas to work on to just up and leave this world. who really knows whats out there. (changing this post in a different direction fast, leave now before you regret it.) I often find myself looking towards the sky thinking about this place people call heaven. People need something to look forward to after a life full of drop, dips and sharp curves we need something to believe in that is better then this. I honestly don’t know who really first thought this up. always looking up towards the heavens. there has to be something up there. i believe there is something up there its Space. A vast open place that goes on for who knows how long. If there is a heaven where does it exist ?
I lost a really good friend (at least i thought we were friends) she didn’t die or anything she just gave up on talking or hanging out with me all together. One f the last conversations i had with her was about religion. i asked her one simple question. Who Made god ? or how did god come into being. Her response was oh the age old question. and that was about it. I want to know how so many people can believe in something that there is no history on. what did one day something happened Poof ! Oh My God ! and then he was created and then got busy with his universe erector set building tons of shit we will never see for lifetimes if people even live that long. at this rate im not sure of anything. ok back to the reason why we arent friends, she i guess saw me as a person that doesnt believe in this figure that is worshipped with no questions. its like that wasnt covered in bible study, the teacher said ignore anyone that asks how was this figure you believe in made.
Did a group of guys get together one day and say i have this great idea lets make something and see if it will catch on. lets just say this being came to us and told us it was the thing that started it all there is no proof at all but writing it out will be proof enough. and then over the years different groups will have different views on it and create their own versions of it and that will be the real way it was told.
I just want some proof. the only way im going to believe is if there is some way to go back in time and see this happen. and i don’t think thats going to happen any time soon. another question that plauges me is if there is a god why would some one that took the time to create something so wonderful and exciting make it so painful at times. is it cause we are evolving and we are causing this pain ourselves ? or is it gos sick joke to get back at people like a kid with a magnifying glass ? you destoroyed my beautiful forest i created so no i will make you all suffer with Cancer ! I just dont see if god loves all why is there such a thing as pain why isnt it all butterflies and rainbows ? Why, is the main question here. WHHHHHY ? This is my rant i choose to write cause it frees my mind of ideas and helps me vent. I read comments and enjoy getting them but keep in mind this is my opinion and you are entitled to your own as well so dont make your self look like you are right and i am wrong, cause then i will just see you as one of these people that cant explain yourself and wont take anything you say seriously. (damn i contradict my self a lot)
Love be free and express your self.
“My Pain, Never to be forgotten.”
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Well the title says it all. I try so hard sometimes to do the things i need to do but then procrastination sets in. Also ill psyche myself up and ill be so ready to do some work to further this thing i want to start and then ill get an email/txt/game msg to get on and play online. so then ill tell my self, ok ill get on for an hour and then i can start the important stuff. and what happens that hour turns into 10 hours. its insane the way time flies when you game online with friends. I have a real hard time prying my self away from the controller.
Well does anyone know of any ways to beat procrastination ? and don’t just read this and be like well ill post a remedy later, after i check out that video above.
Oh the thing that draws me in the most about playing online and specifically on Xbox Live is the people you can meet. There are so many cool and different people that you can meet from people here in the US or people in other countries. its awesome. i just started playing with this chick from Australia she is so crazy and fun to play with i find my self playing UNO for hours. If any one wants to play a game with me online add me on XBL my gamer tag is Advent Echo.
And one final thing the video above is something i saw on the digg reel. It is a great video and has to be watched all the way through. Enjoy.
Well today i am one year older, and still just as lazy as i was when i was 22. But im posting this to change that. i haven’t been on in a long time to spread my findings and interests online. but im back to say im here to stay and i have a big plan. Im an idea man, i come up with a ton of ideas daily and some i think about a lot some jump in and out of my mind. I never act on these ideas as much as i should. i need to take a risk and start working on them and putting them out there on the net and where ever they would fit in this wonderful world. Im going to break this fear i have and also this procrastination problem i have. I know if i put my ideas to work they really can work. it takes time to develop something and im just not that kind of person that likes to work and wait. i like instant gratification. So this is a thing i need to work on and i need to push my self. I really want to work on projects for my animation/comic studio Illuminated Creations. I need some help from people that are creative and out there to help me develop my ideas these things could get really big and make a real impact on the media world. the only thing stoping me is me and not having a team of gifted individuals. I am making a call to all out there that want to get in at the ground level of this venture and visit the site and email me some thoughts and let me know if you are interested in joining the IC family.
To find out more about job listings head over to www.illuminated-creations.com/jobs
Thanks and keep on reading this blog i swear its just going to keep on getting better.
Today i learned something. Ive been taking this class showing how the world is created by the media and manipulated by it. cool is created sometimes and people try to fit in with things. I am in love with tech i live and breathe it. I was working somewhere that had an open job waiting to be filled i had gone out for a similar job and not got it because i wasn’t experienced enough. But then the current job appeared and i was not even considered for the position for personal reasons my guess from the rest of the higher ups. which i will explain further on in this post. Well some one that i think is un qualifed to be in this position got it instead of me i flipped out and pissed some people off cause i havent felt the same around them since and i heard some other crap that was said behind my back. But that is all under my bridge now…
But today i was watching a video in this class from above and it opened my eyes. This person that got the job is a Yes man. There is no problem with that but im jsut not like that. After all this time of being jealous i see what this person does and how he is treated. Im not like that i question authority and ask why ? Im not some meat puppet that does shit for no reason. I tried fitting in to this click of tech people and all and all i never really was accepted. Waking up to this thought in my head im so glad i didnt get the job. Not getting it has pusshed me to do the crap i want to do and that isnt holding me back anymore. i have growed a little today and im actually happy. i sat there in class and though about the situation and see my self better off.
Instead of following a trend or a click im going to start my own medium. an outlet of creativity with people i enjoy talking to and love seeing what they can come up with is a joy to me. Fuck it lets start creating a new world of media. Id like to say thank you for helping me evolve. Thinking is Free so do it !
