Josh Speer

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The mix inside is overwhelming. i find my self in tears at moments, just saying what has happened to me today gets me at points. they arent tears of pure sadness they are tears of Anger !

Today i was brought into the main room where everyone works and i was told in front of a group (of who i work with) and told that he had good and bad news. the bad news is we are not doing to well and are loosing money so the first thing they have to do is let someone go and of course they have to do it by seniority and in this case i was the last one hired (2-3yrs ago). so in front of everyone he said i was going to be let go on Dec.15th (which after a few mins changed to the 19th). so not only am i getting let go the fucker had the nerve and disrespect to do it in front of a group and not as a personal one on one kind of thing. I think that is totally wrong and fucked up in so many ways. and to top it off he says the good news is that everyone’s wages are going up cause of the living wage and hint hint one less employee.

Not only am i pissed im angry !
thing is i have to go tomorrow and for the next week or so. and after hearing that i don’t have a job i don’t really feel like going !

Nothing like this has ever happened to me. i usually leave a job and i was at that point of leaving but i still needed some time to find something else. and now im being forced to do so in the worst of times. im at the point where im not sure what to do. all i know is im not going to let this get the best of me.

Im going to try and kick the shit out of this feeling. I know in the back of my head, where it is poorly lit at the moment, that everything will be fine and this is an open door to someting better and a step forward to something new. But i have to get a better light and fight this feeling inside and ill be at the point where i can move on.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

-Josh

To think some one cant remember what happened towards the end of the day but can remember what happened before and after that chunk of time. I guess we choose to remember the times we want to, and tend to forget about the other time spent. Lost in a sea of memories never to be remembered.

-Josh

Question to all and to all an answer I ask for in return. The question is, Can some one really care about another, or are we all out to better ourselves?

Good deeds mask a feeling we all seek, it is to make our selves feel better, or hell just to feel something. I was thinking just today I tried to talk to some one and instead of listening they were talking as well, expressing their own feelings. Sometimes all we seek is a listener and more and more I find there are none left, just people that talk and really only listen to what they are saying. And in the rare occasion they get a response they only hear what they want to. So ultimately they will feel a bit of relief that some one listened. But in all honesty everyone that is on the receiving end is probably only thinking about them selves, for a moment they might be listening but the mind snaps back to priority one yourself.

I like to think of my self as a good listener. And when it comes time to talk im not heard. I have a series of blog’s I flock to once and awhile ill read and most likely comment. But on the other hand when I make a post I rarely get a response, which in return shows me how much people care about returning the favor. Im kind of getting to the point of not caring to listen anymore. I can’t stand to hear about something over and over that can be solved if the person would just listen. Again they care more about themselves and try to make other feel sorry for them.

I love going on and on about something either no one will read or respond to. Friendship is a rare thing these days, you might think you have it but do you really. The world is full of actors and some are just to damn good.

So I will no longer believe the lies that hide the truth.

The bad always overshadows the good…

-Josh

Ive been a fan of this band for a year or so now and they just put out a new cd. They split from their record label and it shows. you would think they would of gone down hill and i think they came back even better. I got an invite to check out the CD last week and i talked with other fans and the band it was a cool experience. I think more artists should do that. makes it more personal. Well they released the new cd titled El Monstruo today and it kicks ass. i cant wait to get my copy in the mail. Another cool thing about TVBS does is when you buy the CD version they give you the option to download the CD Tracks before they get the cd out to you.

So I will be able to rock out tomorrow at work i cant wait. another good thing is they are selling this CD themselves, so all of the money goes to them. so please if you go and check them out don’t download this from a torrent site or P2P buy it ! none of your money goes to a creepy label. Go check them out and enjoy !!

www.tvbsmusic.com

-Josh

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Life, Friends, And XBOX Live -
Serious Post this time around. Questioning answers that plague my mind. Friends. A complex subject in my head. I love some of my friends so much but i feel its one sided. I try to help friends as much as i can. Ill do favors for them lift their spirits when they are down and in return i get knocked down. Ill give an example ill get on Xbox Live to play with friends all the time. I get text messages from one friend all the time telling me to get on and play Fool ! and i jump on no problem but for some reason when i want to play with this person or other friends i get ditched or ignored. Its like i guess this friendship is one sided. When they want to play its ooook but when i want to its out of the question. Im at the point i dont know what to do. I love the feeling i get when im having a blast playing with them but on the other hand when i cant play or when i am bored out of my mind i feel like shit cause i get sad when im getting ignored. I will send a txt or a msg and i will not get a response. but if i recieve one from them ill get back to them right away. This is a Bitch Blog entry. I just want some Love !

Places out of reach…
Sometimes giving up isn’t giving in. Sometimes you just have to give up, to let go…
Letting go is hard for me to do i am addicted to life and everything good in it. wow this sound like im downright suicidal. I would never kill myself from depression or sadness, there is always a way to move on and cope with pain. I have to many ideas to work on to just up and leave this world. who really knows whats out there. (changing this post in a different direction fast, leave now before you regret it.) I often find myself looking towards the sky thinking about this place people call heaven. People need something to look forward to after a life full of drop, dips and sharp curves we need something to believe in that is better then this. I honestly don’t know who really first thought this up. always looking up towards the heavens. there has to be something up there. i believe there is something up there its Space. A vast open place that goes on for who knows how long. If there is a heaven where does it exist ?

I lost a really good friend (at least i thought we were friends) she didn’t die or anything she just gave up on talking or hanging out with me all together. One f the last conversations i had with her was about religion. i asked her one simple question. Who Made god ? or how did god come into being. Her response was oh the age old question. and that was about it. I want to know how so many people can believe in something that there is no history on. what did one day something happened Poof ! Oh My God ! and then he was created and then got busy with his universe erector set building tons of shit we will never see for lifetimes if people even live that long. at this rate im not sure of anything. ok back to the reason why we arent friends, she i guess saw me as a person that doesnt believe in this figure that is worshipped with no questions. its like that wasnt covered in bible study, the teacher said ignore anyone that asks how was this figure you believe in made.

Did a group of guys get together one day and say i have this great idea lets make something and see if it will catch on. lets just say this being came to us and told us it was the thing that started it all there is no proof at all but writing it out will be proof enough.  and then over the years different groups will have different views on it and create their own versions of it and that will be the real way it was told.

I just want some proof. the only way im going to believe is if there is some way to go back in time and see this happen. and i don’t think thats going to happen any time soon. another question that plauges me is if there is a god why would some one that took the time to create something so wonderful and exciting make it so painful at times. is it cause we are evolving and we are causing this pain ourselves ? or is it gos sick joke to get back at people like a kid with a magnifying glass ? you destoroyed my beautiful forest i created so no i will make you all suffer with Cancer ! I just dont see if god loves all why is there such a thing as pain why isnt it all butterflies and rainbows ? Why, is the main question here. WHHHHHY ? This is my rant i choose to write cause it frees my mind of ideas and helps me vent. I read comments and enjoy getting them but keep in mind this is my opinion and you are entitled to your own as well so dont make your self look like you are right and i am wrong, cause then i will just see you as one of these people that cant explain yourself and wont take anything you say seriously. (damn i contradict my self a lot)

Love be free and express your self.
“My Pain, Never to be forgotten.”

-Josh

Well Month two has arrived and im in full Depression mode. Does it ever feel like you are being used like some kind of voodoo doll. where someone or many someones have it out to get you. I feel like i am being tortured and pricked in life and its not getting easier. Everyone is out to get me for something i didn’t do. I also feel like i don’t have one True friend in this world. I know a ton of people but i dont think any of them consider me a friend. i think sometimes some of them are my friends but then get blown off or not called kind of puts a damper on my mood. Why cant life be easy and everyone live in peace ? Im so sick of work right now i wish i could just win the lottery and be done with it all. I know im destined for greater things but im just stuck in this crap hole of a life. And im just not sure what to do to start my great escape to a life i want to live. I hate having this curse of procrastination. I know i want to start pursuing the things i love the most in life but i feel stuck. I always find my self doing the things that give me instant gratification instead of something i have to work for over time to get the gratification i need now.
Why ????? I listened to a song from a band last week and it had this great line in it,

“…no one gets to heaven if they don’t go through hell…”

I know life isn’t supposed to be all butterflies and rainbows but i just want to know when it gets a little easier. Its hard being alone in life with no one to talk to. I had one single friend at my workplace but now im not sure since a few others have set out to make my life a living hell. Making it hard to talk to this one person. My only place to vent and talk to some one that understands my problems. after i feel like i lost that one person i went on to my only other place where i can chat and i get a list of rude comments from so called friends on there telling me to stop talking so now i literally have no where to chat with others but this damn blog no one reads. This is about the time if some one was reading they would think im contemplating suicide but im not that kind of person. I know this is a big speed bump in my life and i need to find a way over it. I hate the parts in life that you know are times to move on. Im the kind of person that likes to stay in a comfort zone i don’t seek something else if im comfortable with a few messes thrown in. But there are times in life where the only way you can feel better and succeed is to move on and get over it. just saying that reminds me of a line from a movie it went “worrying is like a rocking chair it doesn’t get you anywhere!”

I need to learn to grow up a little but its just hard sometimes when i love being like a kid.
I need to pop back into bed im so tired and feeling like crap from a sickness and a stage of depression tossed in. Thanks for reading this bitch log if there is anyone out there reading this.

-Josh