Im working hard to figure out how to re do a lot of things on my sites. Currently my sites are hosted by Lunar Pages but after years and years of service I’m just not sure i want to stay with them. They used to have a user friendly control panel but now its all over the place. before it was easier to upload new things to try like skins and software for diff sites now all that is gone and i cant even find an option to look at my sites… im really frustrated ….
I haven’t written a thing on here in ages. I got caught up in a fantasy love life. I was hooked from the start and couldn’t do anything with out my love. But with all things good or bad they have to come to an end. I crashed hard too. Life was and is hard to face alone. I made the mistake of caring for her to much and asking for simple things. I lost my best friend and love last week and today would of marked out 9th anniversary. Its hard to face her or even talk to her. Tonight i learned about some stuff i had asked about in the past and never got a real answer. I was shocked at what i heard and realized i really didn’t know who she really was.
Its like this whole time she was lying and i don’t even know if anything was real from the past 2 years. I am unable to move on with her still in my life. its like she left me but still has her claws clinching my heart still. I have never met anyone so emotionless and careless about everything. She was hateful and rude to just about everyone she talked to. All of this and i couldn’t stop wanting her to loving her. It seemed like a simple thing to do is just let her go and do whatever she wanted to do but i care to much for her and people in general. I cant just let someone go.
Today i did just that i wrote my heart out again in a letter telling her i couldn’t be her friend anymore. I really have never felt like i was. She said she trusted me and so on but i never felt like i was. i never got anything out of her. I was there to help but never was treated as a friend. i was just another stranger in her life. The things i heard tonight really hurt me and got me feeling bad for her but i cant change her past or her present. She needs to help herself before she goes back down this same path.
It is hard to let go for me but i guess this is a better time then none to start letting go. Letting her go is the only way i can stop thinking about her and worrying and just move on with my life. I just cant get threw to her or help her i tried and just couldn’t reach her.
Time will be the only cure for my heartache. I hope to meet her again later in life and hope she has changed in a good way.
To start this thing off right, above this is a video from an awesome band that just released their second cd a week or so ago. Meg and Dia are freaking awesome and this CD is a must have. Their first CD was good but some tracks lacked something, but this new CD every track is special and deserves a listen. Give it a listen and if you like it go to their website, meganddia.com
It’s been a few months with out any blogs from me at all. I bet all of my fans are just devastated. I have been busy with my writing/English class. I’m trying to improve my writing skills and i think i have improved a bit. I have learned a lot over the past few months and im going to use these new found skills to start writing out some ideas finally. I have bits and pieces of stories but i think its time to finish some of them. In the past I’ve said that i would start and finish things but i always found my self putting it off. I’m not afraid to fail in life im just not motivated to try. I’m missing the driving force behind my ideas. I lack the passion for creativity i one had. I’m not sure where this lack of passion came from. The thing i do know is i want it back and im willing to do what ever it takes to get the passion back. I’ll reach back and say what ive already said, “Keep Moving Forward.” Break away from the daily routine of nothing and strive for something better. If i don’t take a chance ill never know if ill be able to do anything.
I have one thing ive been wanting to write about and that thing is problem solving. I had a problem with a friend. Things were done and said and nothing was ever resolved. And now its like nothing ever happened but something did happen. I’m still not sure if there is something there hiding in the shadows waiting for the right time to pownce out and fight another round. I want to know what this person was going to respond with oh so long ago. I guess ill just wait it out and let it go unsolved for the moment. I hate to fight and i hate not having my best friend even more. I felt like we had a nice bond almost like we were really family. OK enough of that for awhile…
I promoted this band when their first CD came out. I’m glad to see they made it past that first CD mark. Most bands (rock bands) on roadrunner records don’t make it past CD #1 ! check out the song above its pretty funny and good as well.
You can’t change the past but you can grow from it. I’m taking it upon myself to grow from things I’ve gone through, and things I have done to others. I tend to live in the past where nothing changes and everything stays the same. It just doesn’t work because people grow up and they change. No one stays the same no matter how much they want to it just doesn’t happen. There has to be change in our lives. It’s the only way to adapt and continue to live the very short lives we have.
I’ve heard so many times that life is so short get out there and live life. I was standing in line the other day buying something at target, and this older lady was in front of me with a ton of items for St. Patrick’s Day. I looked at the items and got a chuckle from them and she looked at me and said “They are for a friend”.
I replied to her “Sure…” she then said, “Life’s to short. You have to have some fun in life.” I hope she has a great time with all those things she bought. I need to take from this to have some fun but not too much.
If you spend too much time in the past you never will move forward. Walt Disney use to say “Keep moving forward…” He believed in a constant state of change. With out change things will always stay the same and nothing will get better. Its hard for me to change but on the other hand its hard cause I have never really tried to hard to change. But I believe now it is the only choice available at this time. I need to change and I need to do it A.S.A.P.
People are here and put into our lives for a reason. We learn to be better people, and change in many ways. Sometimes this is for the better sometimes its not. Things never stay the same. Some people are in our lives for a lifetime and some are just passing by. No matter how hard you try to hold onto the past it won’t help look towards tomorrow and soon you might meet another person you can learn much more from. I can no longer wait here and hope things will go back to the way they were. I can however look back at all the great times I had and also the bad times and grow from it.
The time for change is now! I must leave the past where it is and live in the now. Life’s to short its time to start living.
Thank you to all the people that have been in my life thus far.
On the road to becoming myself i have been taking a few days to get through the bullshit that is life. Im surrounded by people with the idea of what life is and how its supposed to be. In this overcast of how im supposed to be im getting covered in what is only known, and not in the thought of new ways of thinking. Shadows cover any thought that is different from what is known and what is true. Im just realizing everyone is taught to take the easy path because it is the only one that is known better then the roads less traveled. People that are considered outcasts, Crazy or just different are the ones that look at the same thing being done and think of a new way to do it. And i feel like im bursting at the seems to be different but im surrounded by so many of the same people i cant break free from this mold. It scares me in some ways that things dont work the way you want them too but when im told constantly things cant work the way im thinking and im not given a chance to even try it scares me more that i cant trust myself to take the risk. I cant! is tossed around in my head to much to even think anything else lately. The thoughts of failure plague me and its so funny when a song can point out soemthing so clear i didn’t even see or think before :
I can’t seem to change you or open up your eye’s
So go on and sing your sad, sad song.
I don’t even blame you the routine is nice.
Nine to five and a suit and tie.
Fear of failure a comfort zone is killed.
Braise your self’s and give into the moment.
I’ve got nothing to lose.
So what is your excuse?
Save yourself’s your dying in slow motion.
You got nothing to lose.
So what’s your excuse?
Life can’t seem to teach you the safe caught is right.
So stray from the fight.
Don’t you realize?
The daydreamers nightmare is to never even try.
You kind of slipped by.
Fear of failure a comfort zone is killed.
You cant fail if you don’t even try. And i need to start living by those words cause i do have a fear of failure. I have all these ideas that are so great but i have this fear they will be stolen or hell not even made. And if i try i wont do a great job on them. So i type out the ideas and jsut sit on them talk about them and hype them up and never deliver with an end product. I cant stand doing this anymore. I need change and i need to be who im meant to be, i cant be who other want me to be. I cant do the things they have done, i cant take the main road i have to take a detour down the road less traveled. If it was easy everyone would be doing it. Ive realized why most people dont do what they really love or dream about doing. they cant invest the time and effort it takes to reach or achieve that dream. I came to this conclusion while watching an infomercial for some new workout tape. I can see how people wanting to loose weight would get this and start out doing the things instructed on the tape but then stop becaue it takes time and effort. The real question i and everyone has to ask themselves is my dream worth the time and effort. Do i really want this? My answer is FUCK YES !
I’m going to Keep Moving Forward and not let others influence me to stray off the road that leads to my dream.
One of the ways i think i tend to stray is i get excited about something new ive come up with and i have to tell some one about it or ill burst.
Being your self takes time, its not an overnight kind of thing. So im dedicated from this day forth to being me and accomplishing my dream no matter how hard it is.
“I am a product of my placement”
I’m taking a break from friends and games. Ive been getting off track from my main goal and tend to drop things im doing to hang out with friends and it seems lately im not getting anything started or done, so im taking a break from friends and games from Sunday 1/4/09 – Saturday 1/10/08 time to put shit in order and get back on track. I’m trying to be different and change my routine and mix it up and this is a big step for me. I get distracted very easily and i need to learn to juggle things and make time for everything and getting this idea storm out of my head is my top priority. so im off to write, write, write !!!!
My new years resolution is to be myself. Not to act or try to fit in with people that wont like me for me. Im not an actor and im not going to act anymore. I am me and thats all i can be. With that said. Im loving life right now im having such a great time. Im working on story and character development for an upcoming project that i hope to have out before april or in april. Ive been working on this idea for awhile and its starting to take shape like never before. from story to the characters i think this is going to be something amazing. I cant wait to share it with the world. All thats left to say in this post is enjoy life and never stop being who you really are not what other want you to be. and “Keep Moving Forward” -Walt Disney
(the graphic is above is something i did today it has a controller hidden in the top and it says Happy New Year 09)